I just wanted to feel…
It had been so long since I had felt pleasure or pain, my soul wanted proof I was still alive. I ran. I ran as hard as I could. I ran as long as I could. In the end, I still couldn’t feel the deepest part of myself I had given away searching for love and attention from you. I lost myself looking for external validation once again. I changed who I was to be accepted. I wanted to be loved by someone so much, I gave up everything I was and could be to mold into the view you wanted me to be. In the end, you were too numb for my love to break through and I lost myself all the way to you.
The road is long.
The mountain is steep.
There is one thing this woman can’t keep.
At mile 96, I saw you. You weren’t in an agreed upon place and I knew what you wanted. You wanted me to stop running so you could be a part of the finish. You wanted to feel what I felt. You wanted to suck the energy out of me once again… but I couldn’t let you. You had already taken every bit of the Sunshine I had to give and my Hope was too far gone to bring back to life.
I lost over a year of my life working, searching and trying to break through the numbness of another person and in the end I lost myself. I lost my emotions. I lost my love. I lost my attention. I lost everything I was in search of the love and attention from someone who is incapable of showing emotion.
I climbed the highest mountains.
I trudged the lowest valleys.
I searched the loneliest parts of you.
I gave you my Sunshine.
I called you my Hope.
In the end I got hung with a rope.
The lesson I learned was one of the most difficult of my life. I gave up all of me to help find you and in the end we both came up empty. It might just be my stupidity, but I gained more value than you’ll ever know… never again will I allow a friend to take away my self-worth. I will hold it tight and give it light so I can give my love away with all my might. I always thought if I could just break through, I could help show you the reflection you can’t seem to see. I would look deep in those eyes and see the prize you held back from the world and out of sight. You might just be the toughest I’ve seen but the fear you hold behind the walls you’ve built has created unhappiness stronger than I’ve ever felt. I thought; if it could be, it was up to me, but I learned you just can’t see.
I must walk away to take care of me because I was the risk you weren’t willing to take. You have moved on from me without accepting an ounce of the love I gave to you. I will hold the lessons I’ve learned close to my heart for eternity. The best I can do was not good enough for you and I bid you farewell on your journey from here hoping when the time comes that you wake up from numb that you find your way to the person I know you have buried away. When you wake up to care and realize I’m not there, you may only look in the mirror to know… it was not that I didn’t want to stay or go running away but you shoved me aside when you just couldn’t cry………..
I am only me and it you can’t accept that to be, the door is right over there. It’s not if I don’t care but I just don’t dare to have my hopes and dreams stolen from me once again. The time has come that I have learned it is better to be alone and happy than miserable with a numb partner who is incapable of feeling emotions, giving love or accepting me for who I am, what I’m not and everything I am working to be.
I may drift and I may wander never finding a place I can call home… but maybe what I have learned is home isn’t a place or a thing but a feeling we get when people love us in spite of our disorganization, flaws and failures. Home is a place full of love where people accept us for who we are, who we are not and who we are becoming in the future. Home is a place we can shed our mask and be given the love and attention we need in a way we understand without the need to hide behind the walls of fear and shame.
That is what I imagine home feels like… the sun has set on the place I called Hope but what I found was a brighter light after the night so I may rise brighter once again.
As the sun always gives more energy than it receives, I will always remember to do the same.