You know the feeling? The feeling when you have given everything you have and it still isn’t good enough? I know I’m not the only person who grew up not believing in myself and I know I’m not the only person who goes through life, every single day, with this same fear that no matter what I do, it still isn’t good enough… When I trained for Leadville this year, I thought I gave her everything I had. As I started getting better and building… As I started doing more and more… As the summer progressed and I thought I was giving every last bit of energy away… in the end, I still wasn’t good enough… Turns out missing the 25 hour cutoff was nothing more than a metaphor for my life.
Running as in life, we can give everything we have, and it still isn’t good enough. No matter how hard we work or how hard we try or how good of a person we become… our best is still not good enough. Maybe it’s my immaturity. Maybe it’s my misguided perception of the world. Maybe I’m naive in believing that the future can be better than the past… Or maybe, just maybe, I can see something in the future that no one else can see… Without risk, I wouldn’t be sitting here today. Without believing in myself, I wouldn’t be alive today. Very few people have been willing to gamble on me… and I find the list of believers dwindling a little more every day. I will continue to drift along the river of life hoping, wishing, wondering if there is such a place as home… I used to believe there was a place to call home, but laughter fades, smiles go away, and hearts begin to drift back to the warmth and safety of comfort and familiarity.