It took me a long time to decide to publish this… This is as personal as I’ve ever been. 2017- here we go. You’re going to be a wild ride!
This has been one of the craziest years of my life. So many good things happened. I lived life to the fullest. I experienced more than I’ve ever done. Changed more than ever. I’ve had some major ups and some deep lows. From emotional highs of running 50 miles and crossing the finish line a champion to deep stretches of depression and loneliness. I’ve had friends come and go, built new relationships and watched other relationships crumble right in front of my eyes…
As I’ve watched 2016 pass by, day by day, it has been a roller coaster from January 1. Days I couldn’t wait to get out of bad and attack the day. Days I would have rather covered by head with my blankie and escaped the world. In retrospect, I had an awesome year. Looking back, I accomplished almost every goal I set out to get. The couple I missed, it wasn’t by much and it wasn’t for lack of effort. I have readjusted my goals for 2017 and I’m ready to break through this funk and go after it with all my might!
2016 has been a year of self-discovery, learning, falling down, getting back up, overcoming obstacles, prioritizing, learning new things, building new business and personal relationships, learning when it’s time to throw in the towel…
The last one is really tough for me. I’m not a quitter. But maybe I should learn to be. Not in the sense that I should drop everything I ever start, but evaluate what is working and what isn’t. Take an adult sized look at everything and figure out what isn’t working, find out if it should be fixed and then either take it or leave it.
I’d like to share something I’ve only shared with a couple people close to me. A major struggle for me is looking in the mirror and seeing my new face. Every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to bed I look in the mirror, read and repeat my goals and look for the person I am rather than the person I was… Every time I look in the mirror, I see the same ol’ fat, broken, unhappy, mean guy I always was. I put on a smile and face the day. I have things to do, people to help, goals to achieve, but at the end of the day, I can’t seem to change the reflection I see. I’ve been writing about this for months and have only shared it with a few people. It’s embarrassing. It’s dark. For all the great things I have going for me, I feel so ungrateful.
I’ve been searching for a new reflection. I’ve been looking for a new face, fresh eyes, and I continue to look for the person I’ve become rather than the person I am. What I’m afraid of now is that I found it. I’m scared that he’s caught up to me. I’m worried that life will never be the same for me and the people around me… What if I’ve been working so hard on a goal and the unintended consequences are greater than expected? What if everything I’ve done looking for myself has led me down a new path? What if I realized that I’ve hit a wall and have to decide whether to stay on this side of crawl over and find out what is on the other side?
I find the zodiacs signs very interesting. I don’t believe they tell the future, but it is fun to read about common personality types in other Geminis and see what we might have in common. Funnily enough, I fit the description of a Gemini almost perfectly. A couple fun things: dual personalities, lack of patience, highly addictive personalities, laughing, smiling, always wanting to meet new people, friends and having someone to talk to, and having an unmatched zest for adventure.
A couple things they struggle with: sleeping, expressing their feelings and emotions in a way that other people will accept, they stay busy in order to keep their mind off their personal emotions, they would rather give their emotions to someone else than have to express what is balled up inside…
So what does this have to do with anything??
I’m at a wall. I have decisions to make, action to take, and I have no idea where I’m going to end up. At this point, all I can do is show up, take action and keep moving forward. I’m scared, fearful, excited, nervous, and I may be making the best decisions of my life or ones that I will regret for eternity… I know this though, when all is said and done, the dust has settled, and the wounds have turned to scars, I will have given 100%. I will have become a better person because of the experience. And most importantly, at some point, I will look in the mirror and find the soul of the person staring back at me. The person everyone else sees. The person I’ve become. I will have out run the man in the mirror- a race I thought I’d never finish.
Run Epic my Friends!